Sometimes I get asked why I love being a mother. People frequently say, “Why have kids nowadays? The world is crap.” Or, more often they say, “Why would you want to have more?”

As I lay on the floor next to my son’s crib tonight reaching my hand through the slats, his tiny hand stretched desperately around two of my fingers, I knew the answer. I would have ten kids for this moment alone. My forever futuristic, forward-thinking, always buzzing mind was cemented in this moment—no mindfulness, meditation practice necessary. I racked my brain for the skills required to implant this precious memory deep into my soul so I could draw on this perfect instance forever. This sweet zen dream.

I willed my mind to file away the softness of his fingers, the smell of his freshly-bathed hair, the sound of the creaking spring, the peacefulness of his dark room, and the comforting string of light spilling under the door. I know now, that in my most trying moments, I will look back and draw on an encyclopedia of his anxious breaths fighting sleep and the beautiful release when he gives in, his inhale slows, and he closes his eyes—all because of the safety of my presence.

I’d give winning lottery tickets for this. I’d give all of myself. It may be somewhat selfish, and right now in this moment, I’m alright with that. So when you wonder why I like this mothering life, that’s one of the million reasons I could give.

Photo by Jenna Christina.